datestampTuesday, November 11, 2014

Thoughts of the heart

To my everything,
There will be those that will tell you, you will fail and not to try.  Don't listen to them. They may say hurtful things and say things that aren't true, learn to let it go, don't believe it.  Decide what you want in your mind and go for it. Work for it. Do it. Be it. Believe it. Live it. You are capable of doing whatever you desire to do, as long as you put your mind and heart into accomplishing it. You can do hard things! I am living proof that I want to live. That miracles happen on this earth, that God is good and He hears us, that there are good people on this earth.  I've been told many, many times that I am dying, that there is no hope, that I should go and get "comfortable". I choose not to listen, we choose not to listen. Instead, I've said to myself thousands of times; I will live, I will survive, I will get better, I will be happy, I will have another child, I will watch them grow, I will love, I will live. I will. I will. I will...and I have. Has this journey been easy? No. Would I do it again? Yes, I would... I have you. My three sweetest blessings. You are everything to me. Everything. Always believe. Never give up, even when life's heaviness is upon your back, look towards the sun. Look to our God, trust in Him and let go.

All my love to you,
Momma, Sarah

datestampThursday, October 30, 2014

Friends forever

Over my life time I've had hundreds of close friends and angels in my life. They sometimes come for a time, and leave a mark on my heart and soul...we may lose touch for a while and meet again at  the most random places to reconnect...time seems like it didn't even pass, and we were where we were years ago. Not too long ago, I met one of these angels, my soul sister. I swear we knew each other before we were born. Just reconnected, and I am forever grateful for the imprint she has made on my heart and on my families. Words cannot express the feelings in my heart.
It has not only been sweet for me, but for my sweet babe. I held her  in my arms tonight and sang to her. Tears fell down her face and her little heart broke before my eyes, because her best friend moved away too. She expressed how she wouldn't get to see her everyday, and how there is no person like her! I was touched by her simple, yet profound words...I felt happiness and sadness at the same time. Happiness that she had connected to someone at such a young age, and sadness that life is hard sometimes. I explained to her that people will come and go. Life will be kept living. Time continues to move forward, but tried to reassure her that distance and time doesn't break the bonds of friendship. True friendship is what we found, and that goes on forever.  

datestampWednesday, September 24, 2014

The Mundane

Today was busy,  to some it may sound mundane...driving to and from lessons, carpool, laundry, impromptu breakfast with extended family, visiting, grocery shopping, homework, fixing lunch, dinner, carpool again.. at our final lesson I was able to sit still and watch my babies and nephews at their swim lessons. I was alone, while they were in the pool with their teacher. Smiling happy faces, so excited to show me what they were accomplishing. In a split second It was as if the room stood still for a moment and my heart swelled up. Tears came to my eyes and I felt gratitude. Gratitude that I was able to be there, right in the moment. No phone. No distractions. Just me and my sweet side kicks. I felt pure joy for the opportunity.  Immediately I whispered a thank you to Heavenly Father for the gift of living this day. For these moments I could feel joy! It felt so good to be there. A part of their life's. How lucky am I to get to be able to be busy and do the mundane things of life? I am so lucky. I love living. Love it.

datestampMonday, September 8, 2014

5 days

 My MRI results finally came back this afternoon, after 5 long days. No new tumors, all other tumors are stable. I can breathe. Tears roll down my cheeks. I said a small prayer thanking God for this gift. I was out and about when I received the news. I called my Dad, and then the tears really came, flowing. I am not ashamed to show my heart...I always wear it on my sleeve. How do I express the thoughts from my soul? From my heart? Thank you. Thank you my friends for making this Cancer I carry on my back lighter, that I cannot feel how heavy it can be on my soul. As soon as I'm able, I kneel down in prayer before my God and weep. He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He heard you. I thank Him...and like you, I feel like thank you doesn't adequately express how I feel. I will show Him my gratitude in the way I live. My soul is at peace. My heart is still. The rain washes over me and I am clean.

datestampWednesday, September 3, 2014

Thursday


It's a humbling experience getting MRI scans. I knew it would be coming up soon, but tomorrow is so quick. Tomorrow. It will be here before I know it...after my dreams and my much needed sleep. I will arise just like every Thursday, but this one will start different.  It will also end differently. I can only hope and pray for the best.  I know God knows my heart.  I also know that I will do what He asks of me. That is why it's humbling for me. It reminds me of where I have come and the journey I have ahead.  It reminds me to stop and listen harder. To block out all of the noise in this life that surrounds us, and focus on what is important. Living. The now. Family. People. Moments. Time. Reaching out. Helping others. Being. I am touched by the simple reminders of how life is hard, but beautiful and worth it at the same time. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of me. Who loves me no matter what. I am blessed. Peace knocks on the door of my heart and I let it in.

datestampFriday, August 8, 2014

Goodnight



My sweet Aunt Myrl passed from this life a few short weeks ago. It was a bittersweet day for me. Sweet that she was free from the pain she was living with. Bitter because I will miss her presence in my life and my children's. She was so patient with my babies and I. Some of our favorite memories of our sweet Aunt was going to the Oak Crest Inn, to eat their yummy scones. Oh, how she loved that place! We would pick her up and go as quick as we could to make it before the lunch menu changed! We had to plan it out exactly after the kids would come home from school. She dressed up and looked nice with her pink lipstick on and bright eyes. Only kind words passed her lips, I don't ever recall hearing a negative word come from her mouth. My babies would bounce around on the booth, and I'd ask Aunt Myrl all types of questions about her childhood. We loved hearing her stories. She had lived such a rich and full life, and it was a treat to hear her retell her experiences. We also loved visiting her at home. She was always out picking up twigs in her yard, weeding her flowerbeds, planting flowers, and tending to her chores. She took such great care of her home, and was very proud of it, as well of all of the memories inside. She always had a treat waiting for whomever came to visit, a werthers candy or popcorn!  My kids knew exactly where to go to find her stashes of werthers, she had a never ending supply! She would talk about her Grand kids and Great grand kids, her children...oh, how she adored each and every one of them! She was so proud. Everyone knew how much they were loved by sweet Aunt Myrl. She wasn't afraid to give a hug, or say I love you. When she said it, we knew she meant it. We loved visiting her. I miss her so. We miss her so. When she was really ill I took the kids to see her, we fed her and held her hand. My son was more quiet this visit, and played contently. My daughter helped feed her as well. We tried to make her comfortable. We visited and we mostly talked...about life and the things we had done that day. She always loved to hear what we had been up to, and took an interest in what the kids were doing. When we were driving home, my sweet girl softly started crying. My boy asked if Aunt Myrl was dying and I said, yes. It was quiet for a moment, and then we talked about what happens when someone we love dies...yes, she will see her husband and twin sister! Yes, she won't be in anymore pain. Yes, she will be able to walk and run. Yes, she will remember us. Yes, she loves you. Yes, we will see her again. Yes.
 A couple days later I went to see her alone. She was in some sort of coma. I think she knew I was there and could hear me. I talked to her and cried the whole time. I held her hand, and rubbed her soft arm. Touched her forehead, whispered how much I loved her. What a gift she was to us. As I was getting ready to leave I told her I didn't like goodbyes, I wasn't good at them, so I said Goodnight and kissed her forehead. I would see her when she woke up.
 We dressed nice, got ready, stood in line, saw family and friends. So many people. We signed her book, all of our names in a row. Baby boy found her candy box and took a werthers, gave one to sister. Walked through the line. Gave meaningful hugs, received them back. I usually don't like to go to viewings. I don't like to have that as my last memory, but this was different. Aunt Myrl was beautiful, no lines on her face. She looked so peaceful. So happy. I bent down and kissed her forehead, and my sweet baby girl said Goodnight. Goodnight sweet Aunt Myrl, until we see you again.

datestampSaturday, July 12, 2014

Imprinted



My heart has been bursting with joy today. Pure joy. I would be ungrateful if I didn't express the feelings that I have in my soul. My sweet baby girl chose to be baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I was able to witness it. I was here, what a tender mercy. I took it all in, each moment was fulfilling a dream I've had for years. As I helped her get into her beautiful dress that she was twirling in the last time she wore. The thought overcame me, that the next white dress I will help her get into will be her wedding dress (in at least 20 years)! We embraced, and I whispered how proud of her I am and how much I love her. Peace. Stillness. My heart, so full. My baby has grown before my eyes. I will savor each moment more. Embrace her longer. Sing a little more. Forgive easier. She has taught me more then I could have ever imagined. What an honor it is for me to be her Momma. I tell her often that she made me a Momma, and that was the best gift I've ever been given. I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of us. I am grateful that I have the knowledge that families are forever. I take it in. This day has been imprinted in my heart, never to be forgotten. I am happy that I have been given the gift of life. Living is good...so, so good.