datestampSaturday, February 21, 2015

24

I remember being taught to pray as a young child. Growing up and praying as a family each night and morning. I learned to pray on my own and tried so hard to put my trust in God.  After leaving for college and being on my own I prayed a little harder. I eventually married the man of my dreams, or so I thought...but a short year later my dreams were crushed and I became a divorcee at the tender age of 24. I thought I knew what I wanted in life and after the divorce I was broken. I felt broken. Like all that I had worked for was gone. I felt betrayed and oh so sad. For a while after I prayed so hard, fervently. Stronger than I ever had before...and yet over time I became bitter and lost. I slowly pushed away God from my life. Not wanting to pray. Not understanding. Questioning. So many questions. So many whys. No answers. I decided to stop praying.  A few months later I visited my Gramps. I would sleep over and we would go out to dinner, talk for hours, just be together. I looked forward to this time with him. He loved me and I felt it. I knew it. One night after we said goodnight I needed something and went to his door and was about to knock on it. I stopped because I heard him speaking to someone. I knew we were alone. When I listened harder I froze. I slumped down to the floor in awe and just wept. He was talking to God. It was as if He was sitting right in front of Him, and they were conversing. It was the most beautiful experience I had felt in a long time. It pierced my heart. I stayed through his entire prayer and listened intently. That night I headed back to bed in wonder and I prayed for the first time in what seemed like forever. I eventually found my way back to God. I learned to forgive. Not only myself, but my x husband. I learned that we all have free agency. What happens in this life is not Gods fault. Whatever is given to us in this life is given to us so we can grow. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to fill our hearts with love. We can choose to let Him in or turn Him away. Do you know what? When I was ready He was there with open arms. He loved me as I was and am. He still loves me. He is real. I am so grateful that I can turn to Him and converse with Him. I love Him. What a sweet lesson to really learn at the tender age of 24.

datestampSunday, January 25, 2015

Dancing

Tonight we danced...I'm talking about sweating while dancing, kind of dancing! We had a delicious dinner at my sisters, then she turned the music on. The kids came up in a crowd when they heard the tunes playing. Jumping, kicking, doing the worm, cartwheels, running man, roger rabbit, break dancing. There were giggles, and rosy cheeks. We even had to open the door because It was so hot! If you know me, I'm most always cold! So nice to stop and be in the moment, so many things that could have been done, but were put aside for another time. Kids kept calling out; "Mom, watch me, watch me! Look what I can do!" We watched, and enjoyed the time we were spending together. No phones, no distractions, just us dancing the night away. What a much needed blessing to stop and take the time to be...to feel strength, and joy run through my soul and body...to laugh, smile, look in my families eyes and see pure delight! Oh, the memories we are making, they keep me going. These are the times our kids will remember. It feels so good to dance with those I love. It feels so good to be here. I am happy I am alive, and am patiently awaiting our next dance.

datestampSaturday, January 3, 2015

Find the good


The last few weeks I have struggled physically, thus leading to feeling all types of emotions. It is hard to slow down sometimes. I like to go, go, go...but my body and these treatments think differently than my mind. The simple tasks which I do on a daily basis have to be put aside for a while. I can only let in things that I can handle, for the moment...for the small space in time. While talking to my kids the other night I caught myself saying to them to find the good in life. Sometimes life throws you difficult situations, and you have the power to find the good. Even if it's as simple as smiling...because that feels good. I had to remind myself of that as well when I was feeling sad a particular day. The thought came to me: Stop being sad! You have so much good in your life, so much good! I needed to follow that same reminder I gave to my children. Find the good. When life is hard, look outside myself and see how I can help another. Step outside of my comfort zone and be kind to someone I don't know. The older I have gotten and the more I have grown the saying makes more sense to me of not judging others. We do not know what people go through, what struggles they may have...but we have the power to lift and help them in our deeds. Slowing down makes me reflect on life. Where I am. Where I was. Who I am. What defines me.What I will let define me. Who is really in charge! It is a humbling experience...I have decided that I will not let this Cancer define me. It will not beat me. I will find the good. I will reflect good. I will shine. I will live another day...I will be free.

datestampTuesday, November 11, 2014

Thoughts of the heart

To my everything,
There will be those that will tell you, you will fail and not to try.  Don't listen to them. They may say hurtful things and say things that aren't true, learn to let it go, don't believe it.  Decide what you want in your mind and go for it. Work for it. Do it. Be it. Believe it. Live it. You are capable of doing whatever you desire to do, as long as you put your mind and heart into accomplishing it. You can do hard things! I am living proof that I want to live. That miracles happen on this earth, that God is good and He hears us, that there are good people on this earth.  I've been told many, many times that I am dying, that there is no hope, that I should go and get "comfortable". I choose not to listen, we choose not to listen. Instead, I've said to myself thousands of times; I will live, I will survive, I will get better, I will be happy, I will have another child, I will watch them grow, I will love, I will live. I will. I will. I will...and I have. Has this journey been easy? No. Would I do it again? Yes, I would... I have you. My three sweetest blessings. You are everything to me. Everything. Always believe. Never give up, even when life's heaviness is upon your back, look towards the sun. Look to our God, trust in Him and let go.

All my love to you,
Momma, Sarah

datestampThursday, October 30, 2014

Friends forever

Over my life time I've had hundreds of close friends and angels in my life. They sometimes come for a time, and leave a mark on my heart and soul...we may lose touch for a while and meet again at  the most random places to reconnect...time seems like it didn't even pass, and we were where we were years ago. Not too long ago, I met one of these angels, my soul sister. I swear we knew each other before we were born. Just reconnected, and I am forever grateful for the imprint she has made on my heart and on my families. Words cannot express the feelings in my heart.
It has not only been sweet for me, but for my sweet babe. I held her  in my arms tonight and sang to her. Tears fell down her face and her little heart broke before my eyes, because her best friend moved away too. She expressed how she wouldn't get to see her everyday, and how there is no person like her! I was touched by her simple, yet profound words...I felt happiness and sadness at the same time. Happiness that she had connected to someone at such a young age, and sadness that life is hard sometimes. I explained to her that people will come and go. Life will be kept living. Time continues to move forward, but tried to reassure her that distance and time doesn't break the bonds of friendship. True friendship is what we found, and that goes on forever.  

datestampWednesday, September 24, 2014

The Mundane

Today was busy,  to some it may sound mundane...driving to and from lessons, carpool, laundry, impromptu breakfast with extended family, visiting, grocery shopping, homework, fixing lunch, dinner, carpool again.. at our final lesson I was able to sit still and watch my babies and nephews at their swim lessons. I was alone, while they were in the pool with their teacher. Smiling happy faces, so excited to show me what they were accomplishing. In a split second It was as if the room stood still for a moment and my heart swelled up. Tears came to my eyes and I felt gratitude. Gratitude that I was able to be there, right in the moment. No phone. No distractions. Just me and my sweet side kicks. I felt pure joy for the opportunity.  Immediately I whispered a thank you to Heavenly Father for the gift of living this day. For these moments I could feel joy! It felt so good to be there. A part of their life's. How lucky am I to get to be able to be busy and do the mundane things of life? I am so lucky. I love living. Love it.

datestampMonday, September 8, 2014

5 days

 My MRI results finally came back this afternoon, after 5 long days. No new tumors, all other tumors are stable. I can breathe. Tears roll down my cheeks. I said a small prayer thanking God for this gift. I was out and about when I received the news. I called my Dad, and then the tears really came, flowing. I am not ashamed to show my heart...I always wear it on my sleeve. How do I express the thoughts from my soul? From my heart? Thank you. Thank you my friends for making this Cancer I carry on my back lighter, that I cannot feel how heavy it can be on my soul. As soon as I'm able, I kneel down in prayer before my God and weep. He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He heard you. I thank Him...and like you, I feel like thank you doesn't adequately express how I feel. I will show Him my gratitude in the way I live. My soul is at peace. My heart is still. The rain washes over me and I am clean.