datestampTuesday, April 28, 2015

The Finish Line

Today was our first experience with a track and field day with the kids. What an adventure it was! For weeks my girl has been practicing each event that she signed up for. Daddy has been working with her and giving her tips. Several times she has told us that she was so nervous! I explained to her more then once that everyone gets nervous about doing things at times...even us!  I went on to tell her that I was even sure that Olympians get nervous before a big race, and they practiced all of the time. One night she said; "Mom, what if I come in last?" I looked at her and told her that it didn't matter...just keep running, even if you know you're last, keep running. Don't give up, run as fast as you can, and keep going! It doesn't matter if you're last, it matters if you do your best...it matters if you finish the race. 
  As I watched her line up to the starting line, her arms were in the running position, she was focused, she was ready. They said go, and she ran, she ran so hard, and her little body kept on going. My heart burst with love, and I got a little choked up. I was so proud of my baby girl. She ran her heart out, and   ran across that line! Was she first place?  No, but she finished the race! We found each other and I just hugged her so hard, praising her. Loving her. You finished! You did it!  I love you! I'll never forget her beaming face, her smile spread across her lips. Her determination and heart will be forever burned into my memory. Such joy. Such happiness to finish something she started...even though it was hard. It was such a beautiful moment for me to watch her work so hard at something and complete it. This experience today made me reflect and think about what it might be like to sit at the feet of our Savior when our journey in this life has ended. I imagine He will say something similar to us: You did it! You didn't give up! You kept going even when it was hard! You finished! I love you. I'm sure we will feel Joy. So much Joy, that we didn't give up.  May we all keep trying, keep working, keep loving, keep feeling, keep learning, keep failing, keep getting up, keep being, keep forgiving, keep going, until we cross that finish line.

datestampWednesday, March 25, 2015

Time

As I a sit here and try to process the conversation I had today with my Dr, I am overwhelmed, grateful and tired. I know, very strange emotions to feel at the same time. I think one of the hardest things for me to do is to wait for answers. It's emotionally and physically exhausting...but I keep going and we aren't giving up! After our discussion, it took about an hour to really sink into my heart and the tears came. Overall, everything is stable. My liver is quite enlarged, and they're thinking it's from some of the tumors going through the process of necrosis (dying).  They  said there are to many tumors to count, not just in my liver...but this is progress. I sigh a huge relief...and I can breathe easier for the first time in days. After Andy and I visited he said...even tho I'm experiencing symptoms and effects of this cancer. I have been given something priceless and invaluable...TIME. His words were so true! Oh, I'm so grateful for TIME! What a gift it is to be alive!  I've been blessed far beyond I could have ever imagined. Each day is a gift. I'm so happy to be living. Thank you for taking the time to send good thoughts, prayers, love, messages, and more love. God heard you and He heard me...I am grateful! Peace fills my heart and I bask in the sunlight, for it has come.

datestampSaturday, March 21, 2015

Hold On

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Tonight my heart is full of gratitude. I had the opportunity to attend a conference for agriculture and they had  Michael Mclean come and speak to us, among many other uplifting speakers. I was touched by his honesty and the love you could feel in his message and his singing.  When he sang this particular song, tears streamed down my face. His message was powerful and so true. It was as if he was singing directly to me and knew my heart. It seems I have stumbled many times in my life, but I somehow get up and keep going. The light does eventually come, and when it does, it wraps it's loving arms around me. This Monday I go in for my MRI, it is a day that I tend to dread, and worry over. It's a very humbling experience for me to be reminded again and again that I need to put my life in Gods hands.  Even though I have felt worry the last few weeks, tonight I feel so much peace. His message is what I needed to hear. I know that whatever happens, life will go on. I will go on. I will hold on. I will do what needs to be done. I will be strong, and whatever the results are. I know the light will come.

datestampThursday, March 12, 2015

A helping hand

I've really struggled with my body the last few weeks and at times felt a little sad. I am a goer, a doer. I like to be busy and run, run, run...it's in my blood! Yet, I haven't been able to and I've had to slow down...and it's a hard pill to swallow. Certain times I've let the sadness in and it has made my heart feel heavy. I've cried out to my Heavenly Father and shared my soul with Him. Just taking life day by day, moment by moment, living the best I can. I had a dear friend reach out to me and asked me to come to a night out. While there we had the opportunity to listen to a wonderful woman speak thoughts from her heart, which rang true to my ears. Her words were just what my weary soul needed. As I left gratitude filled my heart and my spirits were lifted. I felt remembered. I felt loved. I felt needed. I felt joy. I felt peace. I was reminded that we just never know what experiences people are having in their life's. We just never know how people feel, and the struggles, they might have. We just never know. So don't judge them. We have so much to learn from each other. Let's be honest. Let's love. Let's take time for each other. Let's be real. We are all children of God. Whether we believe in the moon or the stars, the universe, have different religions. We are all human. We all need each other. We can help each other in this journey of life. I'm so grateful to be thought of in a time where I really needed a helping hand. I have renewed hope. I can do this, especially since I know I am not alone.

datestampSaturday, February 21, 2015

24

I remember being taught to pray as a young child. Growing up and praying as a family each night and morning. I learned to pray on my own and tried so hard to put my trust in God.  After leaving for college and being on my own I prayed a little harder. I eventually married the man of my dreams, or so I thought...but a short year later my dreams were crushed and I became a divorcee at the tender age of 24. I thought I knew what I wanted in life and after the divorce I was broken. I felt broken. Like all that I had worked for was gone. I felt betrayed and oh so sad. For a while after I prayed so hard, fervently. Stronger than I ever had before...and yet over time I became bitter and lost. I slowly pushed away God from my life. Not wanting to pray. Not understanding. Questioning. So many questions. So many whys. No answers. I decided to stop praying.  A few months later I visited my Gramps. I would sleep over and we would go out to dinner, talk for hours, just be together. I looked forward to this time with him. He loved me and I felt it. I knew it. One night after we said goodnight I needed something and went to his door and was about to knock on it. I stopped because I heard him speaking to someone. I knew we were alone. When I listened harder I froze. I slumped down to the floor in awe and just wept. He was talking to God. It was as if He was sitting right in front of Him, and they were conversing. It was the most beautiful experience I had felt in a long time. It pierced my heart. I stayed through his entire prayer and listened intently. That night I headed back to bed in wonder and I prayed for the first time in what seemed like forever. I eventually found my way back to God. I learned to forgive. Not only myself, but my x husband. I learned that we all have free agency. What happens in this life is not Gods fault. Whatever is given to us in this life is given to us so we can grow. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to fill our hearts with love. We can choose to let Him in or turn Him away. Do you know what? When I was ready He was there with open arms. He loved me as I was and am. He still loves me. He is real. I am so grateful that I can turn to Him and converse with Him. I love Him. What a sweet lesson to really learn at the tender age of 24.

datestampSunday, January 25, 2015

Dancing

Tonight we danced...I'm talking about sweating while dancing, kind of dancing! We had a delicious dinner at my sisters, then she turned the music on. The kids came up in a crowd when they heard the tunes playing. Jumping, kicking, doing the worm, cartwheels, running man, roger rabbit, break dancing. There were giggles, and rosy cheeks. We even had to open the door because It was so hot! If you know me, I'm most always cold! So nice to stop and be in the moment, so many things that could have been done, but were put aside for another time. Kids kept calling out; "Mom, watch me, watch me! Look what I can do!" We watched, and enjoyed the time we were spending together. No phones, no distractions, just us dancing the night away. What a much needed blessing to stop and take the time to be...to feel strength, and joy run through my soul and body...to laugh, smile, look in my families eyes and see pure delight! Oh, the memories we are making, they keep me going. These are the times our kids will remember. It feels so good to dance with those I love. It feels so good to be here. I am happy I am alive, and am patiently awaiting our next dance.

datestampSaturday, January 3, 2015

Find the good


The last few weeks I have struggled physically, thus leading to feeling all types of emotions. It is hard to slow down sometimes. I like to go, go, go...but my body and these treatments think differently than my mind. The simple tasks which I do on a daily basis have to be put aside for a while. I can only let in things that I can handle, for the moment...for the small space in time. While talking to my kids the other night I caught myself saying to them to find the good in life. Sometimes life throws you difficult situations, and you have the power to find the good. Even if it's as simple as smiling...because that feels good. I had to remind myself of that as well when I was feeling sad a particular day. The thought came to me: Stop being sad! You have so much good in your life, so much good! I needed to follow that same reminder I gave to my children. Find the good. When life is hard, look outside myself and see how I can help another. Step outside of my comfort zone and be kind to someone I don't know. The older I have gotten and the more I have grown the saying makes more sense to me of not judging others. We do not know what people go through, what struggles they may have...but we have the power to lift and help them in our deeds. Slowing down makes me reflect on life. Where I am. Where I was. Who I am. What defines me.What I will let define me. Who is really in charge! It is a humbling experience...I have decided that I will not let this Cancer define me. It will not beat me. I will find the good. I will reflect good. I will shine. I will live another day...I will be free.