Today was busy, to some it may sound mundane...driving to and from lessons, carpool, laundry, impromptu breakfast with extended family, visiting, grocery shopping, homework, fixing lunch, dinner, carpool again.. at our final lesson I was able to sit still and watch my babies and nephews at their swim lessons. I was alone, while they were in the pool with their teacher. Smiling happy faces, so excited to show me what they were accomplishing. In a split second It was as if the room stood still for a moment and my heart swelled up. Tears came to my eyes and I felt gratitude. Gratitude that I was able to be there, right in the moment. No phone. No distractions. Just me and my sweet side kicks. I felt pure joy for the opportunity. Immediately I whispered a thank you to Heavenly Father for the gift of living this day. For these moments I could feel joy! It felt so good to be there. A part of their life's. How lucky am I to get to be able to be busy and do the mundane things of life? I am so lucky. I love living. Love it.
My MRI results finally came back this afternoon, after 5 long days. No new tumors, all other tumors are stable. I can breathe. Tears roll down my cheeks. I said a small prayer thanking God for this gift. I was out and about when I received the news. I called my Dad, and then the tears really came, flowing. I am not ashamed to show my heart...I always wear it on my sleeve. How do I express the thoughts from my soul? From my heart? Thank you. Thank you my friends for making this Cancer I carry on my back lighter, that I cannot feel how heavy it can be on my soul. As soon as I'm able, I kneel down in prayer before my God and weep. He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He heard you. I thank Him...and like you, I feel like thank you doesn't adequately express how I feel. I will show Him my gratitude in the way I live. My soul is at peace. My heart is still. The rain washes over me and I am clean.
It's a humbling experience getting MRI scans. I knew it would be coming up soon, but tomorrow is so quick. Tomorrow. It will be here before I know it...after my dreams and my much needed sleep. I will arise just like every Thursday, but this one will start different. It will also end differently. I can only hope and pray for the best. I know God knows my heart. I also know that I will do what He asks of me. That is why it's humbling for me. It reminds me of where I have come and the journey I have ahead. It reminds me to stop and listen harder. To block out all of the noise in this life that surrounds us, and focus on what is important. Living. The now. Family. People. Moments. Time. Reaching out. Helping others. Being. I am touched by the simple reminders of how life is hard, but beautiful and worth it at the same time. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of me. Who loves me no matter what. I am blessed. Peace knocks on the door of my heart and I let it in.
My sweet Aunt Myrl passed from this life a few short weeks ago. It was a bittersweet day for me. Sweet that she was free from the pain she was living with. Bitter because I will miss her presence in my life and my children's. She was so patient with my babies and I. Some of our favorite memories of our sweet Aunt was going to the Oak Crest Inn, to eat their yummy scones. Oh, how she loved that place! We would pick her up and go as quick as we could to make it before the lunch menu changed! We had to plan it out exactly after the kids would come home from school. She dressed up and looked nice with her pink lipstick on and bright eyes. Only kind words passed her lips, I don't ever recall hearing a negative word come from her mouth. My babies would bounce around on the booth, and I'd ask Aunt Myrl all types of questions about her childhood. We loved hearing her stories. She had lived such a rich and full life, and it was a treat to hear her retell her experiences. We also loved visiting her at home. She was always out picking up twigs in her yard, weeding her flowerbeds, planting flowers, and tending to her chores. She took such great care of her home, and was very proud of it, as well of all of the memories inside. She always had a treat waiting for whomever came to visit, a werthers candy or popcorn! My kids knew exactly where to go to find her stashes of werthers, she had a never ending supply! She would talk about her Grand kids and Great grand kids, her children...oh, how she adored each and every one of them! She was so proud. Everyone knew how much they were loved by sweet Aunt Myrl. She wasn't afraid to give a hug, or say I love you. When she said it, we knew she meant it. We loved visiting her. I miss her so. We miss her so. When she was really ill I took the kids to see her, we fed her and held her hand. My son was more quiet this visit, and played contently. My daughter helped feed her as well. We tried to make her comfortable. We visited and we mostly talked...about life and the things we had done that day. She always loved to hear what we had been up to, and took an interest in what the kids were doing. When we were driving home, my sweet girl softly started crying. My boy asked if Aunt Myrl was dying and I said, yes. It was quiet for a moment, and then we talked about what happens when someone we love dies...yes, she will see her husband and twin sister! Yes, she won't be in anymore pain. Yes, she will be able to walk and run. Yes, she will remember us. Yes, she loves you. Yes, we will see her again. Yes.
A couple days later I went to see her alone. She was in some sort of coma. I think she knew I was there and could hear me. I talked to her and cried the whole time. I held her hand, and rubbed her soft arm. Touched her forehead, whispered how much I loved her. What a gift she was to us. As I was getting ready to leave I told her I didn't like goodbyes, I wasn't good at them, so I said Goodnight and kissed her forehead. I would see her when she woke up.
We dressed nice, got ready, stood in line, saw family and friends. So many people. We signed her book, all of our names in a row. Baby boy found her candy box and took a werthers, gave one to sister. Walked through the line. Gave meaningful hugs, received them back. I usually don't like to go to viewings. I don't like to have that as my last memory, but this was different. Aunt Myrl was beautiful, no lines on her face. She looked so peaceful. So happy. I bent down and kissed her forehead, and my sweet baby girl said Goodnight. Goodnight sweet Aunt Myrl, until we see you again.
My heart has been bursting with joy today. Pure joy. I would be ungrateful if I didn't express the feelings that I have in my soul. My sweet baby girl chose to be baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I was able to witness it. I was here, what a tender mercy. I took it all in, each moment was fulfilling a dream I've had for years. As I helped her get into her beautiful dress that she was twirling in the last time she wore. The thought overcame me, that the next white dress I will help her get into will be her wedding dress (in at least 20 years)! We embraced, and I whispered how proud of her I am and how much I love her. Peace. Stillness. My heart, so full. My baby has grown before my eyes. I will savor each moment more. Embrace her longer. Sing a little more. Forgive easier. She has taught me more then I could have ever imagined. What an honor it is for me to be her Momma. I tell her often that she made me a Momma, and that was the best gift I've ever been given. I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of us. I am grateful that I have the knowledge that families are forever. I take it in. This day has been imprinted in my heart, never to be forgotten. I am happy that I have been given the gift of life. Living is good...so, so good.
My Dear sweet babies,
Oh, how I love and adore you. I am so lucky to be your Momma. So lucky. What a wonder it is to watch you grow and learn. I am in awe of you. I enjoy your voices. I love your giggles and laughter. You make me strong, when I feel weak. You hug me when I am struggling. You lift me up. I fight for you everyday. I live for you everyday. I am honored to get to raise such strong little people. I want you to know how special you are. I want you to know how loved you are. I want you to know how worth it you are to me. So worth every moment. I yearn to be here for all of your life's experiences. I know it is hard sometimes to understand Cancer. To comprehend why Momma has it. It will all work out my loves. We each have something to learn on this earth. That is why I do my treatments. That is why I won't give up. Because of you. I am so grateful and so happy that I am here to be a part of your journey. I am grateful for our memories we are making, our moments we live. I want you to know that you will always be my babies. Always. Even when you're all grown up. You will always be mine. We are part of something magical and great. We all have a gift each day. Use it. Love it. Hold it close. Live it. My dreams have come true through you. You are my dreams. My loves. My light. My reasons.
I love you to the moon and back,
I am in wonder of this life. How blessed I feel to breathe, live, and to be here, because of Him. As simple as weeding in the yard, feeling the earth on my hands, walking on the grass with bare feet, being embraced by the light which surrounds me, all because of Him. Hearing my babies calling for me Momma. Momma. What a beautiful sound...it is an honor to raise these sweet little ones, and it is all because of Him. I am alive because of Him. I am given another day, another chance, another moment, because of Him. I am found when I am lost in the darkness, because of Him. I am reassured all will be well, because of Him. I am given hope, when the hardships of this life are heavy on my back, because of Him. I know I will see my sweet Mother again and we will embrace because of Him. I stand in awe as His daughter, He is everything. He has shown me how to love. accept. live. let go. be still, this life is all because of Him. I know He lives. I know He lives. For this I am eternally grateful, I know that my Redeemer Lives!